My Thoughts on Getting Over a Bad Breakup

Recently, I have had a lot of friends who are either getting married or broke up with someone, and they have all wanted advice on their situation.  I will post about breakups first, and hopefully I will get to the marriage advice later this week.  Breakups are a very tender topic for me, and it just breaks my heart knowing that someone else has to go through one. I'm not sure how many of you know, but my freshman year of college I was basically engaged to someone. It's a very long and complicated story, but it didn't work out.  I'm fine with people asking me how I got through it because if my experience can help them with what they are going through, I can handle the pain that comes with talking about it.  I heard a quote a few months after my breakup started that said something I have never forgotten.  I don't know the exact words, but it basically said that one good thing about going through a bad experience is that if someone you love later on in your life goes through the same thing, you will understand what they are going through.  You will be able to help them through it because you already went through it.  I remember thinking if someday one of my kids goes through something like this, it will all be worth it if I can somehow lessen their pain by sharing what I learned when I went through it.  That was probably the only thing that kept me going during that time.  I still apply that quote to every hard trial that I go through in life.

I have felt like I should write a post about this for a few months now, but I have been putting it off because it's still painful for me to think about that experience.  It sucks that it is still painful, but at the same time it doesn't.  I always want to feel pain when I think of that experience because I will always be able to empathize better with people if I do.  At the same time, though, I only think about it when someone asks me about it. 

I don't care to go into the details because they don't matter.  A serious breakup is hard no matter what the circumstances.  I think I will simply explain how I felt and then how I dealt with my feelings in order to move on in my life.  

SHOCK. The first thing I ever felt was shock.  Depending on your circumstances, you might not have this emotion.  For me, everything was going great until one day I heard him telling someone else that he didn't want to marry me after all.  He hadn't mentioned anything to me about having second thoughts, and he didn't know I had heard him.  I remember sitting on my bed just staring at the wall for a few hours after that happened.  I was just so shocked that I couldn't think; I couldn't feel anything.  I didn't even realize that so much time had passed, and I had missed one of my classes.  When my roommate came home and asked if I was ok, I felt like I was pulled out of my shock.  I had a sudden rush of emotions, and I just cried for hours.  I felt shocked a lot the next few months, but it wasn't ever as bad as that first time.  

DENIAL.  Even though it was obvious to everyone else that we wouldn't be getting married, I never really believed it.  I never told my family what was going on because I didn't believe that it was happening.  Even when we officially "broke up", we told each other that it wasn't real and that we were still together.  I still honestly believed that we would be getting married up until the very end of the 5 months.  I tried to deny that things weren't going to work out because it was too painful to even think of the possibility of it not happening.  I tried to protect myself, but I ended up just prolonging the pain.  I wish I hadn't done that.

THE PAIN.  I can honestly say I have never been in so much pain in my entire life.  I cried more in those 5 months than anything else.  I cried every day in the shower.  I cried during my classes.  I cried when I walked home from class and saw a couple holding hands or a car that had "Just Married" written on it.  I cried when I got home from class.  I cried when I tried to go to bed.  I cried when I woke up and realized that what I had just experienced in my dreams was so much better than reality.  I just couldn't get rid of the pain.

A FEELING OF LOSS.  It was obviously hard when I moved to Utah because I only got to see him every weekend when he would come visit me.  Then when things started going downhill, he would only visit every other week and then once a month, and finally not at all.  I missed him so much, and I missed being able to talk to him whenever I wanted to.  I also missed what I thought my future was going to be.  When he said he didn't want to marry me, I felt like my future had been ripped away from me, and there was nothing left.  All of our plans of being together forever were completely gone.  Our dream house that we had talked about building, the names of our kids that we were going to have, where we were going to live, everything.  It had just disappeared.  I didn't even know where I would be going to school the next semester.  Another thing that really hurt was that I lost his family.  I completely fell in love with his family because we spent so much time with them when we were in Idaho.  I had sleepovers with his younger sister, I went shopping with his mom, I babysat his nieces.  They already felt like a part of my family, and instead of just losing him, I lost all of them.  That was really hard.

I know there were a lot of other things that I felt, but those were the main things.  This is starting to get long so I want to focus on how I dealt with all of it.  

PRAYER.  I would never have gotten through this experience without prayer.  I prayed all day long, every day.  It hurt way too much not to be talking to my Heavenly Father at every moment.  Even through all the pain, I always knew that I had someone who was watching out for me.  I always felt the the love and comfort that comes with prayer.  Sometimes I would simply talk to Him to thank Him for that small flicker of joy that I got to experience that day. Sometimes I would beg Him to just take a little bit of the pain away.  Whatever I was feeling, I was always praying about it.

A FRIEND.  No one should go through something like this alone.  I lived with my best friend in the whole world, and I always talked to her about what was going on.  I didn't tell anyone else, but I had to tell someone.  When it got too hard for me to handle, she always knew what to say or do to help.  I never could have gotten through it without her.  

STAY BUSY.  The best thing that helped to lessen the pain was keeping myself and my mind busy.  Thankfully, I had a very social apartment.  We were always busy doing fun things when I wasn't in class or at work.  I remember one specific Friday that I have never forgotten.  I hadn't talked to the guy for 5 days straight (which hadn't ever happened yet), and it was the hardest week so far.  That Friday night I was hanging out with my roommates and some of the boys in our ward.  I remember saying to myself, "This isn't so bad.  This is almost fun.  There is life after breaking up with him!"  It was a big eye-opener for me.  I felt like I could actually rebuild my life and plan a new future for myself, even if that future was just the next semester.  When I didn't keep my mind and schedule busy, I would end up sitting on my bed, crying.  I would get super depressed, and it was so hard to come out of it.  It was definitely a lot easier to just never think about it and try to move on.

STAY AWAY.  Once you break up with the person, try to stay away from them as much as you can.  Lucky for me, the guy was in another state!  Don't hang out with them, don't talk to them, and don't look at them.  Yeah, for normal break ups, its ok to be friends afterwards.  Something serious, though, DON'T DO IT!!!  You will never be able to forget about him and get over him.  If you have to move to a different apartment, do it.  It will be so worth it.  This is extremely hard.  All I wanted to do was see him and talk to him.  It got to the point that my friends had to force me to not talk to him.  They would take my phone away from me for the night or even my computer.  It forced me to spend my time making new friends instead of waiting every moment for him to call or text.  You won't want to do this, but I promise you, you will start feeling better sooner the sooner you stop seeing him.

TOSS IT.  You have those things that he gave you or that remind you of him that you can't bear to get rid of.  GET RID OF IT.  I had some roommates who were also going through breakups at one point, and they encouraged me to get rid of his things with them.  It was actually pretty fun.  We made these little dart guns and shot them at our favorite pictures of us with our boy, and we burned any love letters or cards that they had given us.  It may sound dramatic, but it was easier than just throwing them away.  Plus, once they are burned to ashes they are gone forever.  There is no changing your mind and getting stuff out of the trash.  I probably should mention that it's great to do that with pictures and letters or a stuffed animal that they gave you as a gift, but if it is something that is actually theirs that they will want back, you should give it back.  You still need to respect their stuff, especially if it is important to them.  Also, if they gave you an engagement ring, give it back.  Don't sell it and use the money for yourself.  They bought it, and they should be the one to decide what to do with it.  It was really hard for me to let go of my ring (not because I wanted the money, I just wanted the ring), but I knew that it was right to give it back to him.  He had also bought me a phone on his plan, and I returned that.  Don't be a jerk.  Give it back.

FORGIVE/APOLOGIZE.  Whether you need to forgive the other person or yourself, you need to do it.  It was very hard for me to forgive him, but I felt so much better after I did.  I was finally able to move on and not get mad or hurt any time I heard about him or saw him.  It doesn't matter if they are sorry or if they even apologize, but you need to forgive them.  If you did something you wish you hadn't done, learn from your mistake, forgive yourself, and move on.  Don't continue beating yourself up about it.  You won't ever fully move on without forgiveness.  He actually came and apologized to me for everything a year and a half later, and I was very grateful for that.  It was very nice of him to do that, but after he did, I realized that I wasn't even mad at him anymore because I had already forgiven him.  I'm sure it helped him more than it helped me.  If you feel you need to apologize for something, do it.  Even if they don't accept your apologize or say that you don't need to apologize, do it.  You will feel much better.

STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.  Every apartment that I lived in after that experience, my roommates always wanted to know what happened when the found out about him.  Every time I retold the story with the details, I got angry at him, and I had to go through the pain of forgiving him again every single time.  It's ok to give small details or say that it just didn't work out, but replaying everything he did or you did is just going to upset you.  When someone asks for advice or if you feel like you should share something with them in order to help them with what they are going through then go for it. I've noticed that when I mention details for those reasons, I don't end up angry because I'm not focused on myself.  I'm focused on helping someone else.   

A lot of these things are really hard to do.  I either had other people force me to do these things because I couldn't do it myself, or I forced myself.  I had to treat myself like a child and force myself to do these things because I knew that it would be better for myself in the long run.  Sometimes you just have to do what's best for yourself no matter how your emotions are telling you to act.  

I hope these suggestions will help someone with what they are going through.  Since I went through this experience, I have had friends go through the same thing.  I have seen them put these things into action, and I have seen them do the opposite.  The outcome is always the same.  If you work hard on moving on, you will eventually realize that you have moved on without noticing.  If you give in to your emotions, it will be so much harder and so much more painful to move on.  You may be hurting right now, but I promise that pain will go away if you take the right steps to move on.  I know some people who went through something like this who still aren't over it 10 years later because they chose to stay mad and angry.  Please don't do that to yourself.  If you want to talk to me more about my experience and other things that I did to help myself, feel free to ask.  I hope these tips have helped; if you have some that I haven't mentioned, feel free to comment!!

Interesting article on CFS

A friend recently sent me to website to read a story about CFS and wanted my opinion on it.  I am just going to copy and paste the story instead of summarizing it.  

"I’ve been sick since 2001 when I failed to recover from what appeared to be an acute viral infection. It has left me mostly house-bound, often bed-bound. In effect, I’ve had the flu without the fever for almost ten years: the aches and pains, the dazed sick feeling, the low grade headache, the severe fatigue. It cost me my career as a law professor; it cost me the ability to be active in the lives of my children and grandchildren.

Because I meet the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) case definition, I’ve been given the diagnosis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). Although there have been some promising developments (a possible connection to a retrovirus; the presence of unique proteins in the spinal fluid of CFS patients), as of this writing, there’s no proven cause and no cure. This is not surprising, given that so little money is allocated for research into this debilitating illness. Why? One reason is the absurd name. As others have pointed out, calling it, “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,” is like calling Emphysema, “Chronic Cough Syndrome,” or Alzheimer’s, “Chronic Forgetfulness Syndrome.”

On October 15, 2009, Dr. Nancy Klimas of University of Miami’s Miller School of Medicine spoke about the lack of research money to the New York Times:

My H.I.V. patients for the most part are hale and hearty thanks to three decades of intense and excellent research and billions of dollars invested. Many of my C.F.S. patients, on the other hand, are terribly ill and unable to work or participate in the care of their families. I split my clinical time between the two illnesses, and I can tell you, if I had to choose between the two illnesses in 2009, I would rather have H.I.V.

When doctors ask what’s wrong with me, I can give one of two answers, neither of which is satisfactory in the context of obtaining quality health care for myself and others with CFS. That leaves me in a no-win position in the doctor’s office.

Option #1: If I say, “I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,” I’m likely to be discredited as a witness to my own condition. I’ve had doctors tell me there’s no such thing as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. One doctor said: “Just drink some coffee.”

Option #2: If I say, “I contracted a serious viral infection and never recovered,” it goes down better, but by saying this, I’m undermining the effort to bring legitimacy to the illness. Legitimacy means research money. By avoiding the phrase, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I’m also undervaluing the lifelong work of many doctors, including Nancy Klimas, Dr. Anthony Komaroff of Harvard Medical School, Dr. Charles Lapp of the Hunter-Hopkins Center, and Dr. José Montoya of Stanford University School of Medicine, all of whom have dedicated their careers to CFS research and patient care.

A few weeks ago, I had an appointment with a doctor regarding something unrelated to my illness. The New Patient Form asked, “Are you in good health?” I checked “no.” Next question: “If you checked ‘no,’ please explain.” How many times have I faced “please explain” on a medical form and had to choose between those two unsatisfactory options? I’ve lost count. I needed the best care I could get from this doctor so, playing it safe, I reluctantly took option #2 and wrote, “Contracted a serious viral infection in 2001 and never recovered.”

On the back side of the form was a list of symptoms with instructions to put a check in the box next to any that applied. Looking down the list, I reached: “Fatigue.” What’s a person with CFS supposed to do with that choice? Most of the people I know say they’re tired. But the fatigue of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? The CFIDS Association of America calls it bone-crushing fatigue. I call it bone-crushing and sickly fatigue—that flu without the fever. Laura Hillenbrand, bestselling author of Seabiscuit and Unbroken, and a CFS sufferer herself, put it this way: “This illness is to fatigue what a nuclear bomb is to a match. It’s an absurd mischaracterization.”

Given no alternative but “Fatigue,” I checked the box and moved on.

In the exam room, the doctor looked at my form and asked: “What’s this viral infection you never recovered from?” Without using the phrase Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I succinctly explained the different theories regarding the cause of my continued illness. He listened and then said: “What’s the diagnosis?” I was cornered. “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,” I said. I watched him disengage from me. He swiveled on his stool, put his note pad down, turned back to me as if we’d just met and said: “What have you come to see me about today?”

On March 3rd, Dr. Montoya said in a talk at Stanford University that it was his dream that the medical community would someday produce a formal apology to patients for not believing them all these years when they said they were facing a real illness.

Millions of us share your dream, Dr. Montoya."

I get questions about this all the time.  Thankfully, I haven't ever been told by a doctor that my sickness is all in my head, and I'm very grateful for that.  I was, however, told for almost two years that it was just mono again and it would go away in a few weeks even though the same doctor continued to tell me that...not sure what she was thinking.  Anyways, I know a lot of people who spent years or even their whole life trying to find someone to treat them for CFS.  I did have one doctor (the one who diagnosed me) who said he recognized the disease, but he didn't know how to treat it so I would have to go to another doctor.  He did give me a list of a few local doctors that had experience with CFS, and he was very helpful.  My current doctor is very supportive and helpful.  She has worked hard on figuring out how to treat me and has found some abnormalities in my blood work that the other doctor completely missed. I am still on the waiting list to see the CFS specialist in SLC, but hopefully I will get in soon!  I have heard really good things about her, and I can't wait to meet her!

I completely agree that CFS should not be called CFS.  It is frustrating to me as I'm sure it is with any disease that people who have never had the disease don't know how you feel, and it's so hard to explain.  Even though I'm always talking to Nick about how I'm feeling, he still says he has no idea what it must feel like.  He even gets to see me through it all!  The fatigue that I feel is excruciating. It controls my entire body.  If I don't rest/sleep exactly when and for how long that it wants me to, it punishes me.  If I don't get at least 8 straight hours (minimum) of sleep, I am super nauseous the next day, and it continually gets worse until I get the sleep I need.  And by the way, even though I normally get 12 hours of sleep each night, I am still exhausted when I wake up.  When I feel like I have enough energy to stop sitting on the couch to do something, I LOVE it.  It makes me feel alive!  Even if that one thing is folding laundry or cooking dinner.  If I do it for too long though, my body punishes me again.  I get super weak, nauseous, and lightheaded.  I know by experience if I don't immediately stop what I'm doing, I will faint.  The other day I felt great so Nick and I decided to go chill at a park nearby.  We got in the car and started driving.  After only 3 blocks I felt so weak that we turned right around so I could go lay down.  It was very frustrating. I also want to add that the "bone-crushing fatigue" of CFS is only one of the symptoms I deal with.  There are about 20 other ones that are just as bad as the fatigue.  That's another reason why I think the name needs to be changed. 

Anyways, I just wanted to give my opinion.  I feel like I kind of just complained the whole time, so I'm sorry if it sounded like that.  I just get irritated when I hear that people, especially doctors, tell patients that it is all in their head.  It makes no sense to me why they would say that.  Maybe that's just because I've felt what it's like to have CFS and I know there's no way it's in my head.  I don't know.  So please, if you come across someone who thinks that way, please set them straight.  

Also, I do want to say that I have been doing a lot better this past month!  I will update you with that info next week after I have another visit to my doctor.  

I'm interested to know what you think about this guy's experience!  

Just for fun, here's a video that my cousin took of us for his publications class (I think).  Please excuse the fact that we are in our pjs and I look like crap...it was late at night and we totally didn't know he was going to be filming us :)

Sam Yoshida's video on CFS

I'm definitely dying laughing at this...not sure why cause it's not funny but I am.

Why do I post everything about my illness?

So today has been kind of a rough day.  Long story short--I have been taking vitamin D pills for 2 months now because my blood work showed that I have almost no vitamin D in my body.  This is what could be causing a lot of my problems right now. I had a lot of hope that it would help me feel a lot better, but the pills haven't been working at all. My doctor said that if it didn't help then there is something wrong with the way my body absorbs the supplements or something, which would suck.  I take one super large dose of vitamin D once a week, and the day after I take it I am extremely tired.  That day was today.  I wouldn't mind if it was actually doing something, but it's not doing anything.  I go back to get my blood tested again next week, and hopefully my blood levels will be at least a little bit higher. 

The good thing about finding out right now that I have a vitamin D deficiency is that it's starting to get warm outside!!!  This past week I have spent a lot of time outside in the sun reading or visiting some friends, and it has been great.  For the few hours after being outside, I almost feel like a normal person!  So at least my body can absorb vitamin D from the sun!  Basically I will be spending all of my time this summer outside.  Hopefully my doctors will get this problem sorted out before October comes again.  I'm guessing that's why I felt a little better last summer, but then the sun went away in October!!  Maybe I will just have to go tanning during the winter or live in Arizona for the rest of my life.  Who knows, I honestly don't care as long as I can feel at least a little like a real person.

Today has been rough because I have been really tired, but also because I just feel so weak and sick.  It's almost easier to feel sick all the time because you get used to it, and it becomes your "normal".  Getting bursts of energy this week and then going back to feeling sick has been super frustrating for me.  It makes me remember what it feels like to not feel sick, and then I get mad that my body can't do what most peoples' bodies can do.  I feel like my body is betraying me, and I want to jump out of it even for just a few minutes to get a break.  I just have to remind myself that I have been sick for a long time and the recovery will probably take just as long, if not longer.  It is also very frustrating to know that I will have to manage my symptoms for the rest of my life.  It probably won't ever be as bad as it is now, and I will be able to have a mostly "normal" life. It is still frustrating.  When there is a problem in my life I like to fix it and move on.  I don't like having to wait or deal with a long term problem.  I just can't stop thinking about it until it gets fixed.  I know that there is no way around this, but it still just sucks.  Maybe I shouldn't use that word; I know some people who consider that a bad word...not making fun of them, I just don't want them to feel uncomfortable if I use it.  How about saying not fun instead?  That can work. 

Another thing I feel like I should explain is why I post things about my illness and how I'm feeling emotionally and physically.  When someone asks me if I'm ok, my normal response is "Great!", but now people obviously know that I'm not feeling great. They feel like I just don't want to talk about it.  It's not that I don't want to talk about it, I just hate seeing the look on their faces when I tell them I'm not feeling well.  They look so sad and worried (which is a normal reaction to someone being sick), but I just don't want people to be sad or worried because of me.  I know that it is not reasonable of me to think that, and of course I would be worried about a friend of mine if they were sick.  I don't know why, but that's just how I feel.  I would rather bring good news to a friend than news that makes them worry.  I'm getting used to telling people how I feel instead of just saying "Great".  It has been going really well because people are understanding it a lot more, plus they get more information and can use that to help me however they can.  I have found that they like me to be honest with them.  I am honest on my blog because I can write it whenever I have the energy to do it, and it keeps my friends updated.  When someone asks me how I am doing during the day it's hard to come up with an answer or to even remember what I've been through that week.

The other reason that I have decided to post on my blog exactly what I am going through is so that I can help others that may be reading my blog.  Maybe they are going through the same thing that I am or maybe something completely different.  If I can help anyone with something they are going through, it will be worth it.  I have gotten quite a few Priesthood blessings over the past two years, and they have all said the same things.  They say that Heavenly Father knows exactly what I'm going through physically and emotionally.  They say that I just need to stay strong and be patient and that some day I will be healed.  They say that there is a very specific reason that I am going through this trial, and that because of this experience I will be able to help others throughout my life that I wouldn't have been able to help without it.  I know that those words are true, and like I said in my last blog entry, the only thing I've ever wanted to do in my life is to help others not have such a hard life.  Be careful what you wish for right? haha.  I absolutely hate what I'm going through right now, I'm not going to deny it, but if my experience with this helps someone else, it's worth it.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  I don't know who or what it is going to help, but I know that it will help someone out there.  This is why I post ALL of it on my blog.  I want to reach as many people as I can so I can help someone that needs it.  So if you have someone who you think might benefit from talking to me or reading my blog, don't hesitate to give them my contact info!...or if you think I would benefit from talking to them, do the same.  I'm all about learning new tricks to help me feel better physically or emotionally.

Well, I'm off to bed now.  I hope you all have a great night!!

p.s...Are you all excited for General Conference tomorrow??  I am!  It's definitely one of my favorite times of the year!!!

I am so grateful for the opportunity that we have to go to church every Sunday, and I can't wait until I feel well enough to go again.

I have a lot on my mind today, and I'm not exactly sure where my thoughts will take me so bear with me.  I am so extremely sad that I am not feeling well enough to go to church this afternoon.  I just wanted to cry when Nick left without me because I want to be there so bad!  I was blessed with enough strength last Sunday to make it to Sacrament Meeting, and I'm so grateful for that.  The last time I was able to make it to church was in December, and that was only for one week.  Before that it was in October when I first started getting sick again.  I felt so blessed and grateful that I could make it to church, and I can't wait until I can go back. 

While I was there, I wasn't able to sing the hymns.  I recently found out that singing is a no-no for me.  On a normal day for me, my lymph nodes in my throat are swollen, and I usually always feel a little light headed and weak.  When I sing, my lymph nodes flare up even more, and I feel a lot more lightheaded.  I was so sad when I realized I couldn't sing the hymns.  I want so bad to feel well enough to simply do the things that most people can do without even realizing it.  I want so bad to be well enough to have a calling and be able to go to church every Sunday and participate in the lessons.  I want so bad to be able to serve others during the week, and I want so bad to not be stuck in bed day after day.

After a few minutes of sitting and listening to everyone else sing the hymns, I was amazed at how my sadness and frustration of not being able to sing were gone.  Have you ever just sat and listened during the hymns instead of singing?  I hadn't.  It was so beautiful and peaceful, and I loved sitting there listening to it!  I know that they are beautiful and peaceful whether you sing them or not, but it was just different.  Maybe I felt that if I wasn't singing then I couldn't feel the blessings that the hymns bring into our lives.  I don't know what it was, but I'm content with not being able to sing the hymns now.  Hopefully in the future I will be able to, but right now, I am content.  Plus, when I remember how grateful I was to even be there, not being able to sing the hymns didn't matter at all.

Even though I haven't been able to go to church in awhile, I have never felt closer to Christ than I do now.  You know, I say that now but when I look back at my life, I feel like I've always been close to Him.  Sometimes I think that I feel closer to Him during the hard trials in my life, but honestly, when are you not in the midst of a hard trial?  Looking back on my life I can see the big trials, one right after the other, each time getting a little bit harder.  I know that trials are no fun, but when I lay them out, one right after the other, I realize that I needed the earlier trials to help prepare me for the later trials.  I learned lessons and developed trust and faith in Christ with the earlier ones that I needed to have to get through the later ones. It's kind of like when I was a second grader learning how to do multiplication.  It was hard, but I got through it and mastered my multiplication tables.  I was then a high schooler trying to get through calculus.  It was just as hard as it was for me to do multiplication when I was younger, but I had to have the earlier lessons and experience in math to get me through my later calculus class.

I'm going to let you in on my deepest darkest secret (are you scared?! hehe).  You know how little kids always have dreams of the future and what they want to do with their life and then that dream changes as they grow up?  Even as a child I wanted to grow up, get married, and spend my life serving my kids and my husband.  I then wanted to spend all my free time serving others as much as I could.  That has always been my one dream my whole life.  After I first got sick, I thought my dream was impossible.  How the heck am I going to ever care for children if I can't even take care of myself, let alone my husband and our tiny apartment?  Then, if I can't even care for my family, how will I ever be able to serve others??  I have learned that I will eventually feel better and learn to manage my illness.  I will be able to have a family and care for my kids.  Even more, I've learned that it's ok to let others serve me.  I don't always have to be the one doing the serving.  There are so many people in my life who want to help, and I need to let them.  It gives them the opportunity to serve someone, and it gives me the help that I very much need.  I will probably always need others to help me, and there is nothing wrong with that! 

I have also always been a perfectionist.  I always try to be as perfect as possible, and I hate when other people see me when I'm weak. 

Here's a fun story for you:  When I was little...5 or 6ish...my mom had a little day care at our house.  Every day some kids would come over and play with all our toys.  I really loved it, but we did fight about which toys to play with a lot.  In Primary one Sunday I remember that we talked about how we should all try to be like Jesus.  I had been taught that Jesus was perfect, so I thought that I had to be perfect.  On Monday morning, I told myself that I was going to be perfect that day.  All day long I let all the other kids pick what toys to play with before I picked my toys.  I let them tell me what to do and where to sit.  Instead of taking turns with toys, I let the other kids take the toys away from me right when they wanted them.  I remember at the end of the day I was sitting in the kitchen completely exhausted.  My mom was talking to the last parent to come pick up their kid.  I sat there and just cried because it was just too hard to be perfect.  I felt like a failure because even though I had been perfect that one day, I knew I couldn't do that every day.  It was just too hard.

Even though I now understand the role of the atonement so that we don't always have to be perfect, I still try to be.  Just because I'm now sick and can't do everything I've always felt like I should do doesn't mean that I'm slacking.  I still feel guilty every time I can't make it to church even though my bishop and doctors have told me it is ok, and pushing myself will only make me more sick.  I know that I am gradually changing my views and realizing that I'm not perfect and that I don't need to be.  Also, just because I set high goals for myself doesn't mean that Heavenly Father is going to be upset with me if I don't accomplish them, especially when they are unrealistic goals. 

Well, I'm getting really tired and weak so I'm gonna go rest.  I hope you got something out of this!  It really helped me feel better to write it.  Hope you all are doing well and that you have a good Sunday!

Update on My Journey to Better Health

I haven't really been feeling too much better, but I have found a lot of ways to help with relieve some of my symptoms!  Here are some things I have found that have really helped in case someone else is having problems and wants to try them out or you just want to know how I am doing. 

Side note: I feel so so blessed to have so many people who want to help and who care so much about how I'm doing.  We have had so many people from our ward who help out in different ways, and they are always asking how they can help more.  We are also blessed with lots of family near us and many dear friends.  We just don't know how to express how grateful we are. 

Back to what we were discussing, here are some things I have found that help me so so much:

-Eat 6 small meals a day.  I started doing this 3 days ago and it has already made a difference.  It's been a little hard since my body craves meals since that's what it is used to, but I'm hoping that goes away after awhile.  It has really helped my body to not have crashes so often.  It has also been a lot easier for me because I don't have to cook actual meals.  I just grab something small like a boiled egg with blueberries for a meal or greek yogurt with almonds.  I love it.

-I have gone gluten free, sugar free, and eliminated fruits that have the most natural sugars in them.  I have known that I needed to go gluten free for awhile now but I just didn't have the energy of learning how to do that.  I still don't have energy for it, but I know that I really need to do it.  I can do some research in the next couple weeks while I use what I do know.  The sugar makes me REALLY sick.  My doctor told me that my body reacts to sugar like a drug.  If it gets a little taste of it, it craves more even though it makes me super weak.  Then when I give it more, it gets even more sick and craves it even more!  So lame.  I don't know if that's how every body reacts to sugar but mine is just more dramatic or if its just me.

-Try to get as much vitamin D as possible.  I haven't really tried this one out yet since it's winter, but I believe that it will help me a lot when summer does come.  Last year I got sick in October when I stopped going out in the sun, and I didn't start feeling better until May when I started getting sun again.  I was feeling awesome until October and got really sick again.  I know that this is not my only problem because even when I did feel a lot better over the summer, I still had lots of problems I do now.  It was just a lot easier when that one problem was gone.  I have started taking a prescription dose of vitamin D once a week, and I'm supposed to take it for 8 weeks before I go in to get my blood tested again.  I am on week three and haven't really seen a difference yet, but that could be because I've had a really rough couple weeks.  This week is warmer weather so maybe I'll go to a park a few times and enjoy.  I'll let you know how it goes!

-Eat more sodium and protein.  I have also started this this week and I think it has helped a lot.  The sodium helps a lot with my low blood pressure.  It has helped me feel not near as lightheaded as I usually do!! I'm seriously so excited to continue doing this.  The protein has also made me feel more stable because I used to get almost no protein.

-Avoid warm/hot water at all costs.  Ohmyfreak this has helped so much!  The hot water makes me SUPER weak.  I have only been showering about twice a week because they would destroy my body and make me super weak for hours!  When I realized that the heat was what was making me sick I started taking colder showers and I felt so much better.  I still get weak after taking showers, but it isn't near as bad as it was.

-Avoid standing in one place or sitting in chairs normally.  This one is a killer.  Probably the most annoying thing I deal with.  Because of my low blood pressure, standing or sitting normally makes the blood pool in my blood instead of making its way back up my body.  This makes me super light headed since blood isn't getting to my head, and if I don't sit down or sit differently then I will faint. Supposedly walking isn't as bad because your legs are moving so it keeps the blood moving, but the same thing happens to me when walking. It just takes maybe 10 minutes longer to get really bad than standing does.  When sitting, I have to keep my legs up on the couch with me and bent up close to my chest most of the time.  This makes it really hard for me to sit through class or work or really anywhere you sit down.  I haven't found a solution to this yet so if you think of something, let me know!  I also bought a short stool for the shower so I can sit down and keep my legs up close to me.  It has been AMAZING! I barely felt sick today after showering!

-Exercise for my legs is supposed to help a lot with the low blood pressure.  Stronger muscles in the legs help keep the blood moving.  I haven't tried this yet because I know my body is not ready for more exercise yet.  If I go even a little over what my body can handle, it will destroy me, and I will have to start over at the beginning again.  I hope I can start exercising my legs within the next couple weeks.

I'm getting really tired now so I'll stop here.  Hope this gives you some more info on how I'm doing!

Just for laughs, here's a clip from Parks and Recreation, one of my favorite shows!!

 

 

New Blog Name!

Alright...I haven't been on here for awhile, but I am back!  Hopefully for a long while.  First things first...I changed the name of my blog!  I have been trying to think of a name that is unique to me, and I finally found one!  When the Piggies Come Home.  I love it.  Let me explain.  When I was about 2 years old, my family moved to Minnesota and went to the state fair there.  There was a momma pig with a litter of piglets.  According to my mom, all I wanted to do was look at them and nothing else.  After that, I wanted pig everything and pink everything because pigs are pink. And guess what...I still love pigs!  Charlotte's Webb is still one of my favorite movies.  

My dad used to read me When Cows Come Home.  It is a great book, and I loved it!  If you haven't read it, go read it!  





So I put the two together and voila! There's my new name :).  What do you think?

Next order of business...I have been pretty sick lately.  About a month ago I took an online quiz for my class, and it made me really sick.  I hadn't yet experienced getting sicker after mental exercise, but it was bad.  For the next week I had a fever, muscle aches, sinus problems, and I felt so weak.  I basically spent the whole week in bed.
 
Then, I caught a really bad cold.  It was HORRIBLE! Nick and I have decided that we are not going to allow anyone to see me if they are sick or have been around someone that is sick.  My immune system barely works as it is, and when I get a simple cold, at least for right now, my body just gets destroyed.  My lymph nodes are already swollen when I feel "normal", and when I get even a simple cold they FREAK out.  Nick had to stay up at night taking care of me because they hurt SOOOOOO bad.  The only way to make the swelling go down and the pain to go away is to go to the emergency room to get steroids or wait until I get better.  I have had to go to the emergency room in the past for steroids, but I want to avoid doing that as much as I can.  The steroids make the swelling go right down, but they also stop your immune system from doing anything.  Sometimes living through the pain so your immune system can function is worth it in the long run, but sometimes its not.  I have NEVER felt pain like the time I went to the emergency room for steroids.  NEVER.  So, if we have plans, let me know if you have been around anyone sick.  I don't want to take any chances.

The next week we went on a trip.  Nick and his sister went to Seattle to visit their grandma, and they dropped me off at my house in Boise.  Traveling made me sick, especially since I hadn't gotten over my cold yet.  My ears hurt all week, and I just felt so sick!  I spent the whole week either laying in bed or on the couch.  Now that we are home, I'm trying to rest and recover from traveling.

Just remember:  If you or anyone you have been around is sick, please don't come visit.  I really can't get sick like that again!!

How to Interact with a Person who has CFIDS

I found out that a more accurate name for CFS is CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue and Immune Deficiency Syndrome) so I will be using CFIDS instead of CFS from now on.  

After being diagnosed with CFIDS I have gotten many questions about it.  It is totally fine for anyone to ask me whatever questions you have, but it's hard for me to come up with answers because of a lack of energy to talk about it and the brain fog makes it really hard for me to think in the moment.  Because of that, I am going to explain some things about CFIDS that I have been asked a lot.  If you are learning about CFIDS on your own, the best place to get information is CFIDS Association of America.  I looked at the advice the site gives friends and family for helping someone who has CFIDS, and it says exactly what I was thinking but couldn't explain!  Just so you know, I will probably be posting/copying a lot since it is very hard and exhausting to come up with my own way of saying things. I have highlighted the advice from the site, and my comments are in black.

• CFIDS affects every aspect of an individual's life.  Be aware of the emotional struggles that a patient goes through. Definitely...Every day I realize there are things that I probably won't be able to do again, and it makes me very sad, frustrated, and angry.  One part of treatment is writing out things that you are upset about and finding something good to replace it with.  I will be doing that later this week.  Around others I try to be as positive and uplifting as possible, but there are many times when I'm alone when I definitely have trouble getting a hold of my emotions.  Please don't assume that nothing about this upsets me and that it hasn't changed everything I thought my life would be like.  It has.
• CFIDS is an invisible illness, meaning that there are few obvious signs that the patient is ill. Although the person may look "normal" when you're together, you may not see the relapse that follows activity.  Many patients want to function at their best when with friends, but privately pay a price later.  Exactly.  Many people look at me like they don't believe I'm sick because they can't see it.  They often tell me that I'm boring or lazy for not wanting to continue to hang out with them or even continuing a conversation.  This is frustrating because I would love to do those things, but I know that if I do, I probably wouldn't last more than a few minutes, and I would be sick for weeks after just one night of fun. Also, it may sound strange but carrying on a conversation is really hard for me. I can listen really well when someone is talking, but responding can be difficult.  It takes so much of my energy to talk, and talking for more than a few minutes makes my lymph nodes in my neck swell more than usual.  It then becomes very painful to talk.
• It is difficult for CFIDS patients to make advance plans and plans often must be canceled at the last moment.  Because overexertion leads to relapses, previously enjoyed activities must often be altered or given up.  This places a tremendous strain on partners and friends.  Accept that you may not be able to enjoy the same activities with the patient as you used to.  Try to keep plans and expectations flexible to accommodate unpredictable symptom changes in the patient.  I'm sure many of you have experienced a time when I cancelled on you at the last minute.  I know this happens a lot, and I hate it.  I hate that people can't count on me to do what I say I will do even though I know it's not my fault.  I hate hearing the disappointment in their voice even though I know they understand and they just want to spend time with me.  This is one thing I think will take me a long time to get used to.  This is also why I often avoid making plans.  Sometimes just the thought of having to shower and get dressed in order to go out frustrates me because I know that in itself will probably make me sick to the point where I can't go out.
• Memory impairment in patients may cause them to interrupt to say what they think because if they don't, they will forget it.  If these interruptions are distracting, ask the patient to jot down notes during the conversation.  OHMYGOSH YES!!  This is one of the most annoying things that I have to deal with.  It seems like every time I open my mouth to speak I either loose my train of thought half way through the sentence and can't recall what I was talking about or I can't recall words that I am trying to say.  Just ask Nick...He finishes all of my sentences and has to remind me what we are talking about at least 5 times during our conversations.
• Avoid making well-intentioned comments such as "I know how you feel" or "I get tired often too".  Healthy people obviously experience some symptoms of CFIDS from time to time, although not as frequently and severely as patients do. These statements may be perceived as insensitive and hurtful, potentially damaging closeness and trust.  This one is also true.  Many people try to tell me things that they do when they are tired, but none of those things will help me.  This is not normal exhaustion, and I have to do things differently than "normal" people.  If I ask for advice, feel free to tell me what you think, but don't be upset if I don't follow it.  
• CFIDS is not a logical illness.  Understand that a patient may be fine to participate in an activity one minute and feel really sick the next minute.  Respect the need of the patient to prioritize, rest, and discontinue any activity at the first hint of fatigue or other symptoms.  Definitely.  This happens a lot.  I can be perfectly fine, go grocery shopping, and in the middle of getting groceries feel so sick like I'm going to collapse or faint.  Simply walking up a flight of stairs can make me go from feeling great to the point where my whole body shakes and I have to lay down. It is not fun.  I can also feel like I have a lot of energy for hanging out with friends but 5 minutes later be completely exhausted and need to go home.  Because of this, it is hard for me to answer when you ask me how I am feeling.  More than likely in that day alone I have gone back and forth from feeling ok to be up to needing to sit or lay down.
• When you are unsure about what would be helpful, ask! You are not expected to be a mind reader, and giving unwanted help or advice may cause resentment.  Don't be shy or worried that you will say something wrong.  I would rather you ask me your questions than just do something that makes it worse for me when you thought it would help me.  I will also be honest and let you know when I do need something.  When you ask me if you can do something for me, it is hard for me to think about things that I need.  It would be easier on me if you asked specifics such as "Can I do your grocery shopping" or "Can I clean something for you".

These are the main things that most people have wondered about or I think people need to understand.  I'm sure I will think of more as time goes by, but for now these are the most important.  Feel free to ask me anything, but don't be upset if it takes me a few minutes to think of an answer.  I am so grateful for the friends and family members that care so much and want to help as much as possible.  I have been very blessed.  Check back tomorrow for my list of positives and negatives!