New Update!

Ok so my health has kind of been up and down the past two months.  One major thing is I think I may also have Fibromyalgia.  Firbromyalgia and CFIDS often go together. I have talked to my doctor a lot about it.  This is what she said:  There is a little muscle and joint pain that comes with CFIDS, but if it is overwhelming or you are noticing that the pain is worse than the fatigue, then you probably have Fibromyalgia.  I actually didn't have any pain until this January.  It was only a little, and it didn't last very long.  It has gradually gotten worse to the point that now if I even touch specific parts of my body, it feels like it is bruised.  It's kind of like how with CFIDS if I do any mental or physical work, I get really sick.  Well, with Fibromyalgia, if I do any physical work, every muscle and joint in my body aches really bad.  Like to the point that I want to cry.  So I'm thinking it may be Fibromyalgia :(  Another way to explain it is if I go to scratch an itch anywhere on my body, after I scratch it, it hurts so bad.  Kind of like when you stub your toe on something and you can't breathe for 10 seconds while you wait for the pain to go away.  That's how it feels.  It's not fun.  I will keep you updated on that.

Another major thing is that two months ago my vitamin D levels were really low.  Average levels are 25-80, and mine was only at about 7.  I was on a prescription dosage of vitamin D for two months, but when I went in to check my levels again, they hadn't changed at all.  Not sure what that means exactly, but obviously my body isn't absorbing the supplements.  So now I'm going to eat a lot of tuna and take at least a teaspoon of cod liver oil every day and spend a lot of time out in the sun.  Hopefully that will help a lot.  I'll let you know how that goes.

About three weeks ago I stopped taking my antidepressants because they were making me gain too much weight.  I was so sad to stop taking them because they helped me so much.  Since I started taking them I have had a lot more energy, and I have slept through the night so much more often.  The first two weeks were really hard.  I had no energy, and it messed with my emotions.  I felt sad and anxious like crazy!  Thankfully, those withdrawal symptoms are gone now, and I feel a lot better emotionally, but I still haven't gained back any energy.  I'm hoping that once my vitamin D levels go up that will change.

Here's some awesome news! I tried using some compression stockings to help with my low blood pressure, and I am seriously in love with them.  They are amazing!  Basically they look like leggings, but they are super tight.  They squeeze my legs to keep my blood circulating.  It has really helped me not feel lightheaded because the blood can make it up to my brain instead of pooling in my legs.  It has honestly made a world of difference.  So it looks like I will be wearing skirts all summer so I can wear them.  I would look super weird wearing leggings with shorts, and jeans would just be way too hot.  Good thing I love skirts!!

Time for the most amazing news of all: Essential Oils.  K, I am completely in love with these.  I had always heard of essential oils, but I just thought they were random smells that would help you calm down or focus or something.  My friend asked me if I wanted to try some so I did.  I figured it couldn't hurt, and nothing else has really helped. I don't even know how to explain how in love with them I am!!  There are oils for every problem you ever had.  I use them for headaches, nausea, sinuses, muscle pain, fatigue, low blood pressure, and there are even oils that fight viruses like the Epstein-Barr Virus which is what I have.  I will probably do a separate post just on these I love them so much.

Another amazing thing that has helped is that i have started eating only natural foods.  I have never been one to really care what I put in my body because I never had a problem before.  I was always super active, never had a problem with weight or energy, and I was fine with eating junk food and processed foods because I thought they didn't affect me negatively.  It has only been a week or two since I have started eating only natural foods, and I am amazed with the difference.  I have so much more energy, and I don't get that crash that I usually get after eating fried, fatty, sugary, or processed foods.  Honestly, I am amazed that it has made such a difference because I have been eating healthy for the past two years especially, but it didn't help at all.  I will probably talk about this again later because I am so amazed.

For the update on what's going on in our lives: Nick and I got a puppy!!! She's not exactly a puppy, but she acts just like one.  She is 8 months old.  She is so sweet, and she's scared of everything and everyone.  Best part of all is that she is potty trained!!!  Thank goodness for that.  We have only had her for 4 days now, but she has made a huge difference in my life.  I'm not so lonely all day, and she gives me something to focus on instead of how I'm feeling.  I love it.

Nick isn't taking any classes this summer, he is just working.  He got a full time job working with computers which is what he loves so it's perfect!! He starts that job on Monday.  He will be keeping his part time computer job that he had this semester, too, so he will be very busy.  I am just focusing on trying to get better so that I can take a class in the fall.  I only have 4 classes left until I graduate!! I'm just dying to finish them!  So that's what I will be focusing on all summer.  Also, I mentioned awhile ago that I am waiting to get into the CFS and Fibromyalgia specialist up in Salt Lake, and I think I will get in soon!  They said the wait is 2-3 months, and it's been about two months now.  I can't wait to meet her!  We are also moving to a new apartment on May 8th.  I love it so much.  I will post pics of it after we move in.  It is just on the other side of campus so we're not moving far.  I hope you all have a great weekend and enjoy the sun that finally came out!!

My Thoughts on Getting Over a Bad Breakup

Recently, I have had a lot of friends who are either getting married or broke up with someone, and they have all wanted advice on their situation.  I will post about breakups first, and hopefully I will get to the marriage advice later this week.  Breakups are a very tender topic for me, and it just breaks my heart knowing that someone else has to go through one. I'm not sure how many of you know, but my freshman year of college I was basically engaged to someone. It's a very long and complicated story, but it didn't work out.  I'm fine with people asking me how I got through it because if my experience can help them with what they are going through, I can handle the pain that comes with talking about it.  I heard a quote a few months after my breakup started that said something I have never forgotten.  I don't know the exact words, but it basically said that one good thing about going through a bad experience is that if someone you love later on in your life goes through the same thing, you will understand what they are going through.  You will be able to help them through it because you already went through it.  I remember thinking if someday one of my kids goes through something like this, it will all be worth it if I can somehow lessen their pain by sharing what I learned when I went through it.  That was probably the only thing that kept me going during that time.  I still apply that quote to every hard trial that I go through in life.

I have felt like I should write a post about this for a few months now, but I have been putting it off because it's still painful for me to think about that experience.  It sucks that it is still painful, but at the same time it doesn't.  I always want to feel pain when I think of that experience because I will always be able to empathize better with people if I do.  At the same time, though, I only think about it when someone asks me about it. 

I don't care to go into the details because they don't matter.  A serious breakup is hard no matter what the circumstances.  I think I will simply explain how I felt and then how I dealt with my feelings in order to move on in my life.  

SHOCK. The first thing I ever felt was shock.  Depending on your circumstances, you might not have this emotion.  For me, everything was going great until one day I heard him telling someone else that he didn't want to marry me after all.  He hadn't mentioned anything to me about having second thoughts, and he didn't know I had heard him.  I remember sitting on my bed just staring at the wall for a few hours after that happened.  I was just so shocked that I couldn't think; I couldn't feel anything.  I didn't even realize that so much time had passed, and I had missed one of my classes.  When my roommate came home and asked if I was ok, I felt like I was pulled out of my shock.  I had a sudden rush of emotions, and I just cried for hours.  I felt shocked a lot the next few months, but it wasn't ever as bad as that first time.  

DENIAL.  Even though it was obvious to everyone else that we wouldn't be getting married, I never really believed it.  I never told my family what was going on because I didn't believe that it was happening.  Even when we officially "broke up", we told each other that it wasn't real and that we were still together.  I still honestly believed that we would be getting married up until the very end of the 5 months.  I tried to deny that things weren't going to work out because it was too painful to even think of the possibility of it not happening.  I tried to protect myself, but I ended up just prolonging the pain.  I wish I hadn't done that.

THE PAIN.  I can honestly say I have never been in so much pain in my entire life.  I cried more in those 5 months than anything else.  I cried every day in the shower.  I cried during my classes.  I cried when I walked home from class and saw a couple holding hands or a car that had "Just Married" written on it.  I cried when I got home from class.  I cried when I tried to go to bed.  I cried when I woke up and realized that what I had just experienced in my dreams was so much better than reality.  I just couldn't get rid of the pain.

A FEELING OF LOSS.  It was obviously hard when I moved to Utah because I only got to see him every weekend when he would come visit me.  Then when things started going downhill, he would only visit every other week and then once a month, and finally not at all.  I missed him so much, and I missed being able to talk to him whenever I wanted to.  I also missed what I thought my future was going to be.  When he said he didn't want to marry me, I felt like my future had been ripped away from me, and there was nothing left.  All of our plans of being together forever were completely gone.  Our dream house that we had talked about building, the names of our kids that we were going to have, where we were going to live, everything.  It had just disappeared.  I didn't even know where I would be going to school the next semester.  Another thing that really hurt was that I lost his family.  I completely fell in love with his family because we spent so much time with them when we were in Idaho.  I had sleepovers with his younger sister, I went shopping with his mom, I babysat his nieces.  They already felt like a part of my family, and instead of just losing him, I lost all of them.  That was really hard.

I know there were a lot of other things that I felt, but those were the main things.  This is starting to get long so I want to focus on how I dealt with all of it.  

PRAYER.  I would never have gotten through this experience without prayer.  I prayed all day long, every day.  It hurt way too much not to be talking to my Heavenly Father at every moment.  Even through all the pain, I always knew that I had someone who was watching out for me.  I always felt the the love and comfort that comes with prayer.  Sometimes I would simply talk to Him to thank Him for that small flicker of joy that I got to experience that day. Sometimes I would beg Him to just take a little bit of the pain away.  Whatever I was feeling, I was always praying about it.

A FRIEND.  No one should go through something like this alone.  I lived with my best friend in the whole world, and I always talked to her about what was going on.  I didn't tell anyone else, but I had to tell someone.  When it got too hard for me to handle, she always knew what to say or do to help.  I never could have gotten through it without her.  

STAY BUSY.  The best thing that helped to lessen the pain was keeping myself and my mind busy.  Thankfully, I had a very social apartment.  We were always busy doing fun things when I wasn't in class or at work.  I remember one specific Friday that I have never forgotten.  I hadn't talked to the guy for 5 days straight (which hadn't ever happened yet), and it was the hardest week so far.  That Friday night I was hanging out with my roommates and some of the boys in our ward.  I remember saying to myself, "This isn't so bad.  This is almost fun.  There is life after breaking up with him!"  It was a big eye-opener for me.  I felt like I could actually rebuild my life and plan a new future for myself, even if that future was just the next semester.  When I didn't keep my mind and schedule busy, I would end up sitting on my bed, crying.  I would get super depressed, and it was so hard to come out of it.  It was definitely a lot easier to just never think about it and try to move on.

STAY AWAY.  Once you break up with the person, try to stay away from them as much as you can.  Lucky for me, the guy was in another state!  Don't hang out with them, don't talk to them, and don't look at them.  Yeah, for normal break ups, its ok to be friends afterwards.  Something serious, though, DON'T DO IT!!!  You will never be able to forget about him and get over him.  If you have to move to a different apartment, do it.  It will be so worth it.  This is extremely hard.  All I wanted to do was see him and talk to him.  It got to the point that my friends had to force me to not talk to him.  They would take my phone away from me for the night or even my computer.  It forced me to spend my time making new friends instead of waiting every moment for him to call or text.  You won't want to do this, but I promise you, you will start feeling better sooner the sooner you stop seeing him.

TOSS IT.  You have those things that he gave you or that remind you of him that you can't bear to get rid of.  GET RID OF IT.  I had some roommates who were also going through breakups at one point, and they encouraged me to get rid of his things with them.  It was actually pretty fun.  We made these little dart guns and shot them at our favorite pictures of us with our boy, and we burned any love letters or cards that they had given us.  It may sound dramatic, but it was easier than just throwing them away.  Plus, once they are burned to ashes they are gone forever.  There is no changing your mind and getting stuff out of the trash.  I probably should mention that it's great to do that with pictures and letters or a stuffed animal that they gave you as a gift, but if it is something that is actually theirs that they will want back, you should give it back.  You still need to respect their stuff, especially if it is important to them.  Also, if they gave you an engagement ring, give it back.  Don't sell it and use the money for yourself.  They bought it, and they should be the one to decide what to do with it.  It was really hard for me to let go of my ring (not because I wanted the money, I just wanted the ring), but I knew that it was right to give it back to him.  He had also bought me a phone on his plan, and I returned that.  Don't be a jerk.  Give it back.

FORGIVE/APOLOGIZE.  Whether you need to forgive the other person or yourself, you need to do it.  It was very hard for me to forgive him, but I felt so much better after I did.  I was finally able to move on and not get mad or hurt any time I heard about him or saw him.  It doesn't matter if they are sorry or if they even apologize, but you need to forgive them.  If you did something you wish you hadn't done, learn from your mistake, forgive yourself, and move on.  Don't continue beating yourself up about it.  You won't ever fully move on without forgiveness.  He actually came and apologized to me for everything a year and a half later, and I was very grateful for that.  It was very nice of him to do that, but after he did, I realized that I wasn't even mad at him anymore because I had already forgiven him.  I'm sure it helped him more than it helped me.  If you feel you need to apologize for something, do it.  Even if they don't accept your apologize or say that you don't need to apologize, do it.  You will feel much better.

STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.  Every apartment that I lived in after that experience, my roommates always wanted to know what happened when the found out about him.  Every time I retold the story with the details, I got angry at him, and I had to go through the pain of forgiving him again every single time.  It's ok to give small details or say that it just didn't work out, but replaying everything he did or you did is just going to upset you.  When someone asks for advice or if you feel like you should share something with them in order to help them with what they are going through then go for it. I've noticed that when I mention details for those reasons, I don't end up angry because I'm not focused on myself.  I'm focused on helping someone else.   

A lot of these things are really hard to do.  I either had other people force me to do these things because I couldn't do it myself, or I forced myself.  I had to treat myself like a child and force myself to do these things because I knew that it would be better for myself in the long run.  Sometimes you just have to do what's best for yourself no matter how your emotions are telling you to act.  

I hope these suggestions will help someone with what they are going through.  Since I went through this experience, I have had friends go through the same thing.  I have seen them put these things into action, and I have seen them do the opposite.  The outcome is always the same.  If you work hard on moving on, you will eventually realize that you have moved on without noticing.  If you give in to your emotions, it will be so much harder and so much more painful to move on.  You may be hurting right now, but I promise that pain will go away if you take the right steps to move on.  I know some people who went through something like this who still aren't over it 10 years later because they chose to stay mad and angry.  Please don't do that to yourself.  If you want to talk to me more about my experience and other things that I did to help myself, feel free to ask.  I hope these tips have helped; if you have some that I haven't mentioned, feel free to comment!!

Interesting article on CFS

A friend recently sent me to website to read a story about CFS and wanted my opinion on it.  I am just going to copy and paste the story instead of summarizing it.  

"I’ve been sick since 2001 when I failed to recover from what appeared to be an acute viral infection. It has left me mostly house-bound, often bed-bound. In effect, I’ve had the flu without the fever for almost ten years: the aches and pains, the dazed sick feeling, the low grade headache, the severe fatigue. It cost me my career as a law professor; it cost me the ability to be active in the lives of my children and grandchildren.

Because I meet the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) case definition, I’ve been given the diagnosis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). Although there have been some promising developments (a possible connection to a retrovirus; the presence of unique proteins in the spinal fluid of CFS patients), as of this writing, there’s no proven cause and no cure. This is not surprising, given that so little money is allocated for research into this debilitating illness. Why? One reason is the absurd name. As others have pointed out, calling it, “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,” is like calling Emphysema, “Chronic Cough Syndrome,” or Alzheimer’s, “Chronic Forgetfulness Syndrome.”

On October 15, 2009, Dr. Nancy Klimas of University of Miami’s Miller School of Medicine spoke about the lack of research money to the New York Times:

My H.I.V. patients for the most part are hale and hearty thanks to three decades of intense and excellent research and billions of dollars invested. Many of my C.F.S. patients, on the other hand, are terribly ill and unable to work or participate in the care of their families. I split my clinical time between the two illnesses, and I can tell you, if I had to choose between the two illnesses in 2009, I would rather have H.I.V.

When doctors ask what’s wrong with me, I can give one of two answers, neither of which is satisfactory in the context of obtaining quality health care for myself and others with CFS. That leaves me in a no-win position in the doctor’s office.

Option #1: If I say, “I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,” I’m likely to be discredited as a witness to my own condition. I’ve had doctors tell me there’s no such thing as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. One doctor said: “Just drink some coffee.”

Option #2: If I say, “I contracted a serious viral infection and never recovered,” it goes down better, but by saying this, I’m undermining the effort to bring legitimacy to the illness. Legitimacy means research money. By avoiding the phrase, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I’m also undervaluing the lifelong work of many doctors, including Nancy Klimas, Dr. Anthony Komaroff of Harvard Medical School, Dr. Charles Lapp of the Hunter-Hopkins Center, and Dr. José Montoya of Stanford University School of Medicine, all of whom have dedicated their careers to CFS research and patient care.

A few weeks ago, I had an appointment with a doctor regarding something unrelated to my illness. The New Patient Form asked, “Are you in good health?” I checked “no.” Next question: “If you checked ‘no,’ please explain.” How many times have I faced “please explain” on a medical form and had to choose between those two unsatisfactory options? I’ve lost count. I needed the best care I could get from this doctor so, playing it safe, I reluctantly took option #2 and wrote, “Contracted a serious viral infection in 2001 and never recovered.”

On the back side of the form was a list of symptoms with instructions to put a check in the box next to any that applied. Looking down the list, I reached: “Fatigue.” What’s a person with CFS supposed to do with that choice? Most of the people I know say they’re tired. But the fatigue of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? The CFIDS Association of America calls it bone-crushing fatigue. I call it bone-crushing and sickly fatigue—that flu without the fever. Laura Hillenbrand, bestselling author of Seabiscuit and Unbroken, and a CFS sufferer herself, put it this way: “This illness is to fatigue what a nuclear bomb is to a match. It’s an absurd mischaracterization.”

Given no alternative but “Fatigue,” I checked the box and moved on.

In the exam room, the doctor looked at my form and asked: “What’s this viral infection you never recovered from?” Without using the phrase Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I succinctly explained the different theories regarding the cause of my continued illness. He listened and then said: “What’s the diagnosis?” I was cornered. “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,” I said. I watched him disengage from me. He swiveled on his stool, put his note pad down, turned back to me as if we’d just met and said: “What have you come to see me about today?”

On March 3rd, Dr. Montoya said in a talk at Stanford University that it was his dream that the medical community would someday produce a formal apology to patients for not believing them all these years when they said they were facing a real illness.

Millions of us share your dream, Dr. Montoya."

I get questions about this all the time.  Thankfully, I haven't ever been told by a doctor that my sickness is all in my head, and I'm very grateful for that.  I was, however, told for almost two years that it was just mono again and it would go away in a few weeks even though the same doctor continued to tell me that...not sure what she was thinking.  Anyways, I know a lot of people who spent years or even their whole life trying to find someone to treat them for CFS.  I did have one doctor (the one who diagnosed me) who said he recognized the disease, but he didn't know how to treat it so I would have to go to another doctor.  He did give me a list of a few local doctors that had experience with CFS, and he was very helpful.  My current doctor is very supportive and helpful.  She has worked hard on figuring out how to treat me and has found some abnormalities in my blood work that the other doctor completely missed. I am still on the waiting list to see the CFS specialist in SLC, but hopefully I will get in soon!  I have heard really good things about her, and I can't wait to meet her!

I completely agree that CFS should not be called CFS.  It is frustrating to me as I'm sure it is with any disease that people who have never had the disease don't know how you feel, and it's so hard to explain.  Even though I'm always talking to Nick about how I'm feeling, he still says he has no idea what it must feel like.  He even gets to see me through it all!  The fatigue that I feel is excruciating. It controls my entire body.  If I don't rest/sleep exactly when and for how long that it wants me to, it punishes me.  If I don't get at least 8 straight hours (minimum) of sleep, I am super nauseous the next day, and it continually gets worse until I get the sleep I need.  And by the way, even though I normally get 12 hours of sleep each night, I am still exhausted when I wake up.  When I feel like I have enough energy to stop sitting on the couch to do something, I LOVE it.  It makes me feel alive!  Even if that one thing is folding laundry or cooking dinner.  If I do it for too long though, my body punishes me again.  I get super weak, nauseous, and lightheaded.  I know by experience if I don't immediately stop what I'm doing, I will faint.  The other day I felt great so Nick and I decided to go chill at a park nearby.  We got in the car and started driving.  After only 3 blocks I felt so weak that we turned right around so I could go lay down.  It was very frustrating. I also want to add that the "bone-crushing fatigue" of CFS is only one of the symptoms I deal with.  There are about 20 other ones that are just as bad as the fatigue.  That's another reason why I think the name needs to be changed. 

Anyways, I just wanted to give my opinion.  I feel like I kind of just complained the whole time, so I'm sorry if it sounded like that.  I just get irritated when I hear that people, especially doctors, tell patients that it is all in their head.  It makes no sense to me why they would say that.  Maybe that's just because I've felt what it's like to have CFS and I know there's no way it's in my head.  I don't know.  So please, if you come across someone who thinks that way, please set them straight.  

Also, I do want to say that I have been doing a lot better this past month!  I will update you with that info next week after I have another visit to my doctor.  

I'm interested to know what you think about this guy's experience!  

Just for fun, here's a video that my cousin took of us for his publications class (I think).  Please excuse the fact that we are in our pjs and I look like crap...it was late at night and we totally didn't know he was going to be filming us :)

Sam Yoshida's video on CFS

I'm definitely dying laughing at this...not sure why cause it's not funny but I am.

Why do I post everything about my illness?

So today has been kind of a rough day.  Long story short--I have been taking vitamin D pills for 2 months now because my blood work showed that I have almost no vitamin D in my body.  This is what could be causing a lot of my problems right now. I had a lot of hope that it would help me feel a lot better, but the pills haven't been working at all. My doctor said that if it didn't help then there is something wrong with the way my body absorbs the supplements or something, which would suck.  I take one super large dose of vitamin D once a week, and the day after I take it I am extremely tired.  That day was today.  I wouldn't mind if it was actually doing something, but it's not doing anything.  I go back to get my blood tested again next week, and hopefully my blood levels will be at least a little bit higher. 

The good thing about finding out right now that I have a vitamin D deficiency is that it's starting to get warm outside!!!  This past week I have spent a lot of time outside in the sun reading or visiting some friends, and it has been great.  For the few hours after being outside, I almost feel like a normal person!  So at least my body can absorb vitamin D from the sun!  Basically I will be spending all of my time this summer outside.  Hopefully my doctors will get this problem sorted out before October comes again.  I'm guessing that's why I felt a little better last summer, but then the sun went away in October!!  Maybe I will just have to go tanning during the winter or live in Arizona for the rest of my life.  Who knows, I honestly don't care as long as I can feel at least a little like a real person.

Today has been rough because I have been really tired, but also because I just feel so weak and sick.  It's almost easier to feel sick all the time because you get used to it, and it becomes your "normal".  Getting bursts of energy this week and then going back to feeling sick has been super frustrating for me.  It makes me remember what it feels like to not feel sick, and then I get mad that my body can't do what most peoples' bodies can do.  I feel like my body is betraying me, and I want to jump out of it even for just a few minutes to get a break.  I just have to remind myself that I have been sick for a long time and the recovery will probably take just as long, if not longer.  It is also very frustrating to know that I will have to manage my symptoms for the rest of my life.  It probably won't ever be as bad as it is now, and I will be able to have a mostly "normal" life. It is still frustrating.  When there is a problem in my life I like to fix it and move on.  I don't like having to wait or deal with a long term problem.  I just can't stop thinking about it until it gets fixed.  I know that there is no way around this, but it still just sucks.  Maybe I shouldn't use that word; I know some people who consider that a bad word...not making fun of them, I just don't want them to feel uncomfortable if I use it.  How about saying not fun instead?  That can work. 

Another thing I feel like I should explain is why I post things about my illness and how I'm feeling emotionally and physically.  When someone asks me if I'm ok, my normal response is "Great!", but now people obviously know that I'm not feeling great. They feel like I just don't want to talk about it.  It's not that I don't want to talk about it, I just hate seeing the look on their faces when I tell them I'm not feeling well.  They look so sad and worried (which is a normal reaction to someone being sick), but I just don't want people to be sad or worried because of me.  I know that it is not reasonable of me to think that, and of course I would be worried about a friend of mine if they were sick.  I don't know why, but that's just how I feel.  I would rather bring good news to a friend than news that makes them worry.  I'm getting used to telling people how I feel instead of just saying "Great".  It has been going really well because people are understanding it a lot more, plus they get more information and can use that to help me however they can.  I have found that they like me to be honest with them.  I am honest on my blog because I can write it whenever I have the energy to do it, and it keeps my friends updated.  When someone asks me how I am doing during the day it's hard to come up with an answer or to even remember what I've been through that week.

The other reason that I have decided to post on my blog exactly what I am going through is so that I can help others that may be reading my blog.  Maybe they are going through the same thing that I am or maybe something completely different.  If I can help anyone with something they are going through, it will be worth it.  I have gotten quite a few Priesthood blessings over the past two years, and they have all said the same things.  They say that Heavenly Father knows exactly what I'm going through physically and emotionally.  They say that I just need to stay strong and be patient and that some day I will be healed.  They say that there is a very specific reason that I am going through this trial, and that because of this experience I will be able to help others throughout my life that I wouldn't have been able to help without it.  I know that those words are true, and like I said in my last blog entry, the only thing I've ever wanted to do in my life is to help others not have such a hard life.  Be careful what you wish for right? haha.  I absolutely hate what I'm going through right now, I'm not going to deny it, but if my experience with this helps someone else, it's worth it.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  I don't know who or what it is going to help, but I know that it will help someone out there.  This is why I post ALL of it on my blog.  I want to reach as many people as I can so I can help someone that needs it.  So if you have someone who you think might benefit from talking to me or reading my blog, don't hesitate to give them my contact info!...or if you think I would benefit from talking to them, do the same.  I'm all about learning new tricks to help me feel better physically or emotionally.

Well, I'm off to bed now.  I hope you all have a great night!!

p.s...Are you all excited for General Conference tomorrow??  I am!  It's definitely one of my favorite times of the year!!!