Why do I post everything about my illness?

So today has been kind of a rough day.  Long story short--I have been taking vitamin D pills for 2 months now because my blood work showed that I have almost no vitamin D in my body.  This is what could be causing a lot of my problems right now. I had a lot of hope that it would help me feel a lot better, but the pills haven't been working at all. My doctor said that if it didn't help then there is something wrong with the way my body absorbs the supplements or something, which would suck.  I take one super large dose of vitamin D once a week, and the day after I take it I am extremely tired.  That day was today.  I wouldn't mind if it was actually doing something, but it's not doing anything.  I go back to get my blood tested again next week, and hopefully my blood levels will be at least a little bit higher. 

The good thing about finding out right now that I have a vitamin D deficiency is that it's starting to get warm outside!!!  This past week I have spent a lot of time outside in the sun reading or visiting some friends, and it has been great.  For the few hours after being outside, I almost feel like a normal person!  So at least my body can absorb vitamin D from the sun!  Basically I will be spending all of my time this summer outside.  Hopefully my doctors will get this problem sorted out before October comes again.  I'm guessing that's why I felt a little better last summer, but then the sun went away in October!!  Maybe I will just have to go tanning during the winter or live in Arizona for the rest of my life.  Who knows, I honestly don't care as long as I can feel at least a little like a real person.

Today has been rough because I have been really tired, but also because I just feel so weak and sick.  It's almost easier to feel sick all the time because you get used to it, and it becomes your "normal".  Getting bursts of energy this week and then going back to feeling sick has been super frustrating for me.  It makes me remember what it feels like to not feel sick, and then I get mad that my body can't do what most peoples' bodies can do.  I feel like my body is betraying me, and I want to jump out of it even for just a few minutes to get a break.  I just have to remind myself that I have been sick for a long time and the recovery will probably take just as long, if not longer.  It is also very frustrating to know that I will have to manage my symptoms for the rest of my life.  It probably won't ever be as bad as it is now, and I will be able to have a mostly "normal" life. It is still frustrating.  When there is a problem in my life I like to fix it and move on.  I don't like having to wait or deal with a long term problem.  I just can't stop thinking about it until it gets fixed.  I know that there is no way around this, but it still just sucks.  Maybe I shouldn't use that word; I know some people who consider that a bad word...not making fun of them, I just don't want them to feel uncomfortable if I use it.  How about saying not fun instead?  That can work. 

Another thing I feel like I should explain is why I post things about my illness and how I'm feeling emotionally and physically.  When someone asks me if I'm ok, my normal response is "Great!", but now people obviously know that I'm not feeling great. They feel like I just don't want to talk about it.  It's not that I don't want to talk about it, I just hate seeing the look on their faces when I tell them I'm not feeling well.  They look so sad and worried (which is a normal reaction to someone being sick), but I just don't want people to be sad or worried because of me.  I know that it is not reasonable of me to think that, and of course I would be worried about a friend of mine if they were sick.  I don't know why, but that's just how I feel.  I would rather bring good news to a friend than news that makes them worry.  I'm getting used to telling people how I feel instead of just saying "Great".  It has been going really well because people are understanding it a lot more, plus they get more information and can use that to help me however they can.  I have found that they like me to be honest with them.  I am honest on my blog because I can write it whenever I have the energy to do it, and it keeps my friends updated.  When someone asks me how I am doing during the day it's hard to come up with an answer or to even remember what I've been through that week.

The other reason that I have decided to post on my blog exactly what I am going through is so that I can help others that may be reading my blog.  Maybe they are going through the same thing that I am or maybe something completely different.  If I can help anyone with something they are going through, it will be worth it.  I have gotten quite a few Priesthood blessings over the past two years, and they have all said the same things.  They say that Heavenly Father knows exactly what I'm going through physically and emotionally.  They say that I just need to stay strong and be patient and that some day I will be healed.  They say that there is a very specific reason that I am going through this trial, and that because of this experience I will be able to help others throughout my life that I wouldn't have been able to help without it.  I know that those words are true, and like I said in my last blog entry, the only thing I've ever wanted to do in my life is to help others not have such a hard life.  Be careful what you wish for right? haha.  I absolutely hate what I'm going through right now, I'm not going to deny it, but if my experience with this helps someone else, it's worth it.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  I don't know who or what it is going to help, but I know that it will help someone out there.  This is why I post ALL of it on my blog.  I want to reach as many people as I can so I can help someone that needs it.  So if you have someone who you think might benefit from talking to me or reading my blog, don't hesitate to give them my contact info!...or if you think I would benefit from talking to them, do the same.  I'm all about learning new tricks to help me feel better physically or emotionally.

Well, I'm off to bed now.  I hope you all have a great night!!

p.s...Are you all excited for General Conference tomorrow??  I am!  It's definitely one of my favorite times of the year!!!