I have a lot on my mind today, and I'm not exactly sure where my thoughts will take me so bear with me. I am so extremely sad that I am not feeling well enough to go to church this afternoon. I just wanted to cry when Nick left without me because I want to be there so bad! I was blessed with enough strength last Sunday to make it to Sacrament Meeting, and I'm so grateful for that. The last time I was able to make it to church was in December, and that was only for one week. Before that it was in October when I first started getting sick again. I felt so blessed and grateful that I could make it to church, and I can't wait until I can go back.
While I was there, I wasn't able to sing the hymns. I recently found out that singing is a no-no for me. On a normal day for me, my lymph nodes in my throat are swollen, and I usually always feel a little light headed and weak. When I sing, my lymph nodes flare up even more, and I feel a lot more lightheaded. I was so sad when I realized I couldn't sing the hymns. I want so bad to feel well enough to simply do the things that most people can do without even realizing it. I want so bad to be well enough to have a calling and be able to go to church every Sunday and participate in the lessons. I want so bad to be able to serve others during the week, and I want so bad to not be stuck in bed day after day.
After a few minutes of sitting and listening to everyone else sing the hymns, I was amazed at how my sadness and frustration of not being able to sing were gone. Have you ever just sat and listened during the hymns instead of singing? I hadn't. It was so beautiful and peaceful, and I loved sitting there listening to it! I know that they are beautiful and peaceful whether you sing them or not, but it was just different. Maybe I felt that if I wasn't singing then I couldn't feel the blessings that the hymns bring into our lives. I don't know what it was, but I'm content with not being able to sing the hymns now. Hopefully in the future I will be able to, but right now, I am content. Plus, when I remember how grateful I was to even be there, not being able to sing the hymns didn't matter at all.
Even though I haven't been able to go to church in awhile, I have never felt closer to Christ than I do now. You know, I say that now but when I look back at my life, I feel like I've always been close to Him. Sometimes I think that I feel closer to Him during the hard trials in my life, but honestly, when are you not in the midst of a hard trial? Looking back on my life I can see the big trials, one right after the other, each time getting a little bit harder. I know that trials are no fun, but when I lay them out, one right after the other, I realize that I needed the earlier trials to help prepare me for the later trials. I learned lessons and developed trust and faith in Christ with the earlier ones that I needed to have to get through the later ones. It's kind of like when I was a second grader learning how to do multiplication. It was hard, but I got through it and mastered my multiplication tables. I was then a high schooler trying to get through calculus. It was just as hard as it was for me to do multiplication when I was younger, but I had to have the earlier lessons and experience in math to get me through my later calculus class.
I'm going to let you in on my deepest darkest secret (are you scared?! hehe). You know how little kids always have dreams of the future and what they want to do with their life and then that dream changes as they grow up? Even as a child I wanted to grow up, get married, and spend my life serving my kids and my husband. I then wanted to spend all my free time serving others as much as I could. That has always been my one dream my whole life. After I first got sick, I thought my dream was impossible. How the heck am I going to ever care for children if I can't even take care of myself, let alone my husband and our tiny apartment? Then, if I can't even care for my family, how will I ever be able to serve others?? I have learned that I will eventually feel better and learn to manage my illness. I will be able to have a family and care for my kids. Even more, I've learned that it's ok to let others serve me. I don't always have to be the one doing the serving. There are so many people in my life who want to help, and I need to let them. It gives them the opportunity to serve someone, and it gives me the help that I very much need. I will probably always need others to help me, and there is nothing wrong with that!
I have also always been a perfectionist. I always try to be as perfect as possible, and I hate when other people see me when I'm weak.
Here's a fun story for you: When I was little...5 or 6ish...my mom had a little day care at our house. Every day some kids would come over and play with all our toys. I really loved it, but we did fight about which toys to play with a lot. In Primary one Sunday I remember that we talked about how we should all try to be like Jesus. I had been taught that Jesus was perfect, so I thought that I had to be perfect. On Monday morning, I told myself that I was going to be perfect that day. All day long I let all the other kids pick what toys to play with before I picked my toys. I let them tell me what to do and where to sit. Instead of taking turns with toys, I let the other kids take the toys away from me right when they wanted them. I remember at the end of the day I was sitting in the kitchen completely exhausted. My mom was talking to the last parent to come pick up their kid. I sat there and just cried because it was just too hard to be perfect. I felt like a failure because even though I had been perfect that one day, I knew I couldn't do that every day. It was just too hard.
Even though I now understand the role of the atonement so that we don't always have to be perfect, I still try to be. Just because I'm now sick and can't do everything I've always felt like I should do doesn't mean that I'm slacking. I still feel guilty every time I can't make it to church even though my bishop and doctors have told me it is ok, and pushing myself will only make me more sick. I know that I am gradually changing my views and realizing that I'm not perfect and that I don't need to be. Also, just because I set high goals for myself doesn't mean that Heavenly Father is going to be upset with me if I don't accomplish them, especially when they are unrealistic goals.
Well, I'm getting really tired and weak so I'm gonna go rest. I hope you got something out of this! It really helped me feel better to write it. Hope you all are doing well and that you have a good Sunday!
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